After last night, I could never be a politician.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
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