And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
