he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
