Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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