i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
