A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
