if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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