doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
