When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
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