I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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