I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
