Don't make out with my wife yet
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Randomize
