I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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