Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
