so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
