That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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