DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
