i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
