so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
