just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
