I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
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