He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
