I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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