I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Randomize
