the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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