I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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