I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
