I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
