I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
