Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
