Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
