it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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