well you can't waste a boner
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
