man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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