someone threw a dead crab at me
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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