On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
