Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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