its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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