Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
