I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
