Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
