I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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