I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
