my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
