tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
