my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
