I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Randomize
