He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
