I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
