ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
