Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
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