Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
