please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Randomize
