Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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