Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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