$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Floor bacon is actually really good
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
