So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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