the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize
