I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
