I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
