I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
