You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
