Porn is love you can see.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
