I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Randomize
