You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
