mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
