my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
We need to get me chipped asap
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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