You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
