Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
