First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize