My room smells like vodka and shame
Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
